1. |
Sounding It Out
03:53
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It’s been, a while, since anything’s gone this well
I’m like, a child, learning how to spell
Sounding it out
You’ve got, eyes that, speak to me like mouths
And I am, so set on, figuring it out
Breaking up the syllables
And sounding it out
You’re so, distracting, but I guess that that’s ok
Daydreams, with wide eyes, stumbling through the day
I spent, 4 years, overthinking everything
I guess that, I still do, but it’s better when I’m with you
It’s better when I’m
I tend to say some things that I don’t mean
But so far I’ve found the self-restraint that I need
In future tense thinking and holding onto my breath
To prevent an early collapse of what little is left
It turns out
I wasn’t completely wrong
I'll spend, some years, overthinking everything
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2. |
Left Coast
04:31
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Well it’s getting dark but I feel fine
Lost in between graham hill road and highway 9
But there’s a red, red robin chirping in my ear, and a breeze behind my back
I took a long deep breath of redwood air and I found the railroad tracks
This is clarity I think
Is this sanity a trick
Later that night I found myself
20 feet above the boardwalk questioning my mental health
It’s these sad, sad songs getting in my head, of “honestly, I can’t remember”
So I closed my eyes and thought of how far I’ve come since September
And I watched, super 8 waves
Breaking over and over again
And I heard, your voice in my head
I love you, over and over again
I woke up, and drove down the coast
So far away, from the things I care about the most
And I hate how much I feel detached from it all, save this familiar buzz of a phone
I want the north east back, rainy days intact, the only place I’ll really call home
And it’s a thrill, to be where I’ve never been
But I’m ill, sick for familiarity
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3. |
Ephemera
05:07
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There's not, much to say, that I haven't already anyway
I've found myself repeating myself, extra as of late
Talking in circles I'm getting sick, sick of this cyclic trick
Telling myself things that I'm not quite willing to admit
Like I don't, know if, this is right when I've been thinking about her every night
I know you said that that's alright sometimes, but I think that you're too kind
And it's eating me inside
Part of me tearing at parts of me, pulling at my limbs
It's guilt and sorrow and shame, I swear I never meant you any pain
If I do I'm fucked if I don't this sucks, and I've been losing sleep
I'll probably end up both alone and an asshole it seems
So I'll say, “Dear Grace, I'm sorry” and I am all to blame
I didn't expect, to be, so hopelessly, lost in my own ephemera
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4. |
Heritage Place
04:02
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I think, that this, is still, sinking in
18 years of memories but I’ll never be let back in
This home, was more, than just, two by fours
It was staying up too late, feeling safe, and sleeping on floors
On the wall of the closet
I wrote my name
Someday you’ll find it
And coat it in paint
I remember one time, making friends with fireflies
And I, I’ll miss this place
Running through the woods, getting up to no good
For me, those were formative years
On the wall of the closet
I wrote my name
Someday you’ll find it
And coat it in paint
This is a sacred place
Where I learned my name
Inside is a safe space
A coming of age
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5. |
Huge
03:42
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She was so small in stature
Withering away
And I can’t take this anymore
Her body cried
But she was huge
Towering with charisma
And why so soon?
Not that it was unexpected
We held out
As we’d done before
A turnaround
That would never come
Still expecting
You around the corner
This will take time
Getting used to
But she was huge
Towering with charisma
And why so soon?
Not that it was unexpected
And I saw a hope in the snow 3 nights prior to your last
The cold rejuvenates your body in a way, a contrast
To the weeks spent trying to get you to end your fast
During which we realized it had become a selfish task
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6. |
Billow
03:50
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Staying low, keep yourself underneath the smoke
Taking care, taking in the last of your clean air
There’s a billow on the bed where your body used to be
And I’ll say that I’m not waiting, but I think we all know what that means
Not quite right
Take some time
I’ll survive
Off of coffee at night
It’s an understatement, to say that I was disappointed
To think I wouldn’t see you on the 21st of February
But to my surprise, I found you in my home again
That’s the night, I realized, I think this needs to end
Not quite right
Take some time
I can’t get by
Solely on coffee at night
Words I’ve articulated in my own head
But I’ve found feline lockjaw laying in bed
For fear of disruption I’ll keep my mouth shut
Give you time that need to dig out of this rut
I want nothing more than to say what I mean
Why can’t this be simple, like when I was 18
I’m shaking my bones like it’s zero degrees
But I’ve never been warmer than under these sheets
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7. |
Four Door
06:26
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This is something new, so unfamiliar
A glow that just won't go, a warm core
It started as a framework, to filling in the phrases
By day 3, something so much more
Trying to understand
What makes this different
Trying to understand
Why I feel this way
Before I've even touched your face
Standing at the curb I started shaking
Expecting to shake myself awake again
Too slowly down the road, a red volkswagon
As your frame came into focus, I’m wringing out my hands
Those 49 hours were the best I think I've ever had, consecutively
Because you don’t have to be perfect to be perfect for someone
And I can’t get you out of my head
So this is what I’ve been missing
This is what I’ve been looking for
And now that I know this feeling
I won’t ever let go of this feeling
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8. |
Et Cetera
05:45
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I've got this habit, a bad one, of pulling at the sutures
It's painful, and I don't know why I do it
But I think it's getting better, I think it's gonna be OK
This skin will heal itself, this flesh will seal itself, someday
It's not so bad, except for when I found your notes sitting at the back
Of my dresser drawer, I thought there'd be more, I thought there'd be more
And I don’t believe, these words to be as empty as they seem to me
But only a part, of you, loved a part of me
And I know I shouldn’t hope, it’ll only make this harder
I think it’s getting better, but I don’t know that you’ll ever, really go away
It's not so bad, except for when I found your notes sitting at the back
Of my dresser drawer, I thought there'd be more, I thought there'd be more
All that I can do right now
Is put these words back in their place
In the back of the drawer I won’t see them no more
And keep saying I’m doing ok
But I’ll always know
That I’ll always hope
To find it apropos
To tell you “I love you” again
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